I grew up watching Saturday Night Live. It's an absolute train wreck now, but some of my fondest TV memories were of Hans and Franz, the church lady, Mr. Robinson, Wayne and Garth, and Bass-o-matic. I don't know if I ever laughed harder than when I heard some really great Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. There were always snoozers, but every 3rd or 4th thought was pure magic. To this day, I still get online and read one now and then. It's a quick and easy way to put a smile on your face. And now...Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey.
"To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
"It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating."
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
" I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes."
"Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling."
"If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind."